Sunday, January 15, 2017

MEMO TO MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: NO, YOU WON'T SURVIVE


I Will Survive video
No, Matthew, I saw your sad little video singing very badly the song “I Will Survive” but the fact is it’s over for you and everyone else in Hollywood. None of you have a prayer. Your careers are histoire. You and all your Hollywood friends were in the brown nose business, not the movie making business. But the new America doesn’t want brown nosers. We’ve been conned by them for the last thirty years. They don’t know how to do their job, or any job, so they brown nose people with money.

Even your Hollywood buddies are embarrassed by your silly video because they are holed up somewhere trying to figure out how they can survive. They recognized your little stunt for what it is: a blatant attempt to brown nose Hollywood moguls and money men. Too, too obvious Matthew, but then subtly was never your line, was it?

Just caught you on Netflix streaming among the dreck in two movies.

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DATES starring yourself and Kate Hudson. Kate Hudson is the kind of woman most men find so obnoxious that it wouldn’t take more than five minutes for her to lose any guy. But the guy in question here is yourself, Matthew, such a poor excuse for a man that no girl would ever consider you a catch. As a matter of fact, let me be cruel, because you’ve made so much money under false pretenses, I feel I’m entitled to some cruelty. I think of you as the Texas Tick, a man so loathsome that he’d have to stick to a woman like a tick to even get a first date. You’re the kind of guy who would end up with a Kate Hudson and consider himself lucky.

FAILURE TO LAUNCH starring you and Sarah Jessica Parker. Here you play a man who women are always running after, but who brings them home to his parents’ house to dump them. Sarah Jessica Parker, who as far as I know, claims the biology of a woman, but projects the personality of a neuter, is hired to lure you out of Mommy and Daddy’s clutches. In this movie, you remind me of a Goony Bird, with your chicken legs and clucky accent. You are a sad fellow, Matthew, but I don’t feel too bad because you’re undeservedly rich, so suck it up.

It is perfect that in this movie your Mommy is played by Kathy Bates, the stereotypical American loud mouth. She would have son like you. I’ve had a beef with her since she and Jack Nicholson did ABOUT SCHMIDT, the movie which purported, in a very condescending and patronizing way, to be about fly over country, (You know, the place where us rubes who voted for Trump live. We are the people who populate your pet hate the Electoral College.) The theme of this movie is that if only all you friggin Baptists and uptight Christians out there in fly over country would get naked in hot tubs with Kathy and Jack, you wouldn’t be such repressed idiots.

Well, Kathy, Jack, Matthew and the rest of you, we prefer not to get naked with you. We don’t even like to think of you naked or even with your clothes on. You and all of Hollywood have lost your mojo. You’re just not sexy anymore. Katy Perry can dress up like a technicolor cupcake, but Hello Kitty is cuter. You’re so not cool, you’ve lost the secret, and you are so annoying. You've been found out.

So, no, you won’t survive. At least, not as actors, writers, directors and producers. You are in America’s rear view mirror and fading fast.

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